Monday, November 5, 2012

Funny Politics Quotes - on election eve

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
More funny George Stephanopoulos quotes
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I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
More funny Will Rogers quotes
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If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
More funny Abraham Lincoln quotes
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One thing I can say about George...he may not be able to keep a job, but he's not boring.
More funny Barbara Bush quotes
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I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.
More funny George Bush quotes
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To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be president of the United States.
More funny George W. Bush quotes
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If Thomas Edison invented electric light today, Dan Rather would report it on CBS News as "candle making industry threatened".
More funny Newt Gingrich quotes
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Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.
More funny Bob Inglis quotes
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If elected, I will win.
More funny Pat Paulsen quotes
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Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm.
More funny Frank Dane quotes
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When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
More funny Clarence Darrow quotes
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Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river.
More funny Nikita Khrushchev quotes
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The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
More funny P.J. O'Rourke quotes
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He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
More funny George Bernard Shaw quotes
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Politics makes estranged bedfellows.
More funny Goodman Ace quotes
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A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.
More funny Alben W. Barkley quotes
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Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects.
More funny Lester Bowles Pearson quotes
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There ought to be one day -- just one -- where there is open season on senators.
More funny Will Rogers quotes
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Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
More funny Robert Louis Stevenson quotes
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The best reason I can think of for not running for president of the United States is that you have to shave twice a day.
More funny Adlai Stevenson quotes
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Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
More funny Ambrose Bierce quotes
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In Mexico, an air conditioner is called a 'politician,' because it makes a lot of noise but doesn't work very well.
More funny Len Deighton quotes
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For fear of the newspapers politicians are dull, and at last they are too dull even for the newspapers.
More funny Gilbert K. Chesterton quotes
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When a politician is in opposition he is an expert on the means to some end; and when he is in office he is an expert on the obstacles to it.
More funny Gilbert K. Chesterton quotes
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It is terrible to contemplete how few politicians are hanged.
More funny Gilbert K. Chesterton quotes
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The trouble with Senator Long is that he is suffering from halitosis of the intellect. That's presuming Senator Long has an intellect.
More funny Harold L. Ickes quotes
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Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament.
More funny Jerry Hall quotes
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If you liberals keep gettin' your way - we're all gonna hear one big loud flush. The sound of the U.S. of A. goin' straight down the toilet. - Archie Bunker
More funny Carroll O'Connor quotes
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It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
More funny Jack Warner quotes
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When I was on my way to the podium a gentleman stopped me and said I was as good a politician as I was an actor. What a cheap shot!" (2004 Republican National Convention, August 31, 2004)
More funny Arnold Schwarzenegger quotes
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To those critics who are so pessimistic about our country, I say: Don't be economic girly men. (2004 Republican National Convention, August 31, 2004)
More funny Arnold Schwarzenegger quotes
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One of my movies was called "True Lies." It's what the Democrats should have called their convention.
More funny Arnold Schwarzenegger quotes
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It's the most important decision I've had to make since 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax. [On his running for California Governor]
More funny Arnold Schwarzenegger quotes
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Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
More funny David Letterman quotes
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The first Presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.
More funny David Letterman quotes
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My choice early in life was either to be a piano-player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference.
More funny Harry S. Truman quotes
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If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.
More funny Harry S. Truman quotes
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If you can't convince them, confuse them.
More funny Harry S. Truman quotes
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Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
More funny P. J. O'Rourke quotes
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Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
More funny P. J. ORourke quotes
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The American political system is like fast food - mushy, insipid, made out of disgusting parts of things and everybody wants some. (Parliament of Whores, 1991)
More funny P. J. O'Rourke quotes
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Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his. (During 1980 presidential campaign)
More funny Ronald Reagan quotes
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Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
More funny Ronald Reagan quotes
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Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
More funny Ronald Reagan quotes
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A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
More funny H. L. Mencken quotes
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Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
More funny Milton Berle quotes
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
More funny Milton Berle quotes
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You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
More funny Milton Berle quotes
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I was allowed to ring the bell for five minutes until everyone was in assembly. It was the beginning of power.
More funny Jeffrey Archer quotes
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Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties.
More funny George Clooney quotes
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A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
More funny Texas Guinan quotes
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The mistake a lot of politicians make is in forgetting they've been appointed and thinking they've been anointed.
More funny Claude Pepper quotes
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We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.
More funny Kin Hubbard quotes
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Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
More funny Kin Hubbard quotes
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Some fellows get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid.
More funny Kin Hubbard quotes
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Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
More funny Will Rogers quotes
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There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
More funny Will Rogers quotes
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The political machine triumphs because it is a united minority acting against a divided majority.
More funny Will Durant quotes
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In politics, an absurdity is not a handicap.
More funny Napoleon Bonaparte quotes
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One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.
More funny Plato quotes
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To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
More funny Anonymus quotes
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Half a truth is better than no politics.
More funny Gilbert K. Chesterton quotes
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An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
More funny Simon Cameron quotes
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The most conservative man in this world is the British trade unionist when you want to change him.
More funny Ernest Bevin quotes
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He's a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off. (About Gerald Ford)
More funny Lyndon Baines Johnson quotes
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The art of politics consists in knowing precisely when it is necessary to hit an opponent slightly below the belt.
More funny Konrad Adenauer quotes
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As people do better, they start voting like Republicans - unless they have too much education and vote Democratic, which proves there can be too much of a good thing.
More funny Karl Rove quotes
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Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 in the attacks and prepared for war; liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers.
More funny Karl Rove quotes
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Somebody gets to be smart and somebody gets to be dumb. If we win, it'll be because of the president. And if we lose, it'll be because of me.
More funny Karl Rove quotes
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Being lectured by the president on fiscal responsibility is a little bit like Tony Soprano talking to me about law and order in this country.
More funny John Kerry quotes
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Here I am in the state of New Mexico. George Bush is still in the state of denial. New Mexico has five electoral votes. The state of denial has none. I like my chances.
More funny John Kerry quotes
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I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it.
More funny John Kerry quotes
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Why am I running for president? Well, my wife, Cindy, says it is because I sustained several severe blows to the head in prison camp.
More funny John McCain quotes
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As far as me and the vice presidency is concerned ... I spent a number of years in a North Vietnamese prison camp in the dark and (was) fed scraps, and I don't know why I would want to do that all over again -- 2004 July 18, Rally in San Diego, on not wishing to replace VP Dick Cheney
More funny John McCain quotes
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The only difference I ever found between the Democratic leadership and the Republican leadership is that one of them is skinning you from the ankle up and the other, from the neck down.
More funny Huey Long quotes
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The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.
More funny Lewis Black quotes
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In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in 12 years, we'll be voting for plants.
More funny Lewis Black quotes
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We lost everything. We even won our own constituency.
More funny Maryon Pearson quotes
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Dear Jack. Don't buy a single vote more than necessary. I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for a landslide. (in a letter to his son during the 1960 presidential campaign)
More funny Joseph P. Kennedy quotes
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My definition of a redundancy is an air bag in a politician's car.
More funny Larry Hagman quotes
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There is one sure way of telling when politicians aren't telling the truth—their lips move.
More funny Felicity Kendall quotes
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You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on. -- (spoken at a Washington Dinner, March 2001)
More funny George W. Bush quotes
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People tell me that Senator Edwards got picked for his good looks, his sex appeal, and his great hair. I say to them, 'How do you think I got the job?
More funny Dick Cheney quotes
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I'm not a politician and my other habits are good.
More funny Artemus Ward quotes
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The Court made an exception, however, in the case of candidates contributing to their own campaigns because of the rather reasonable presumption that a candidate is incapable of corrupting himself.
More funny James L. Buckley quotes
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It is now well known, however, that men enter local politics solely as a result of being unhappily married.
More funny C. Northcote Parkinson quotes
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A politician is a person with whose politics you don't agree; if you agree with him he's a statesman.
More funny David Lloyd George quotes
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It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job. (on the US presidency)
More funny Erma Bombeck quotes
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"[I propose to create a] Commission on Erections and Mounting.
More funny Richard M. Daley quotes
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If Governor Fields is right, I am going to stand by him because he is right. If he is wrong, I am going to stand by him because he is a Democrat.
More funny Augustus O. Stanley quotes
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I must say the Senator's victory in Wisconsin was a triumph for democracy. It proves that a millionaire has just as good a chance as anyone else.
More funny Bob Hope quotes
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On one side you have book burners, Congressional wives and Pat Robertson. On the other side, you have vulgar comedians, foul-mouthed rap groups and Dennis Hopper—all your choices should be so easy.
More funny Sandra Bernhard quotes
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You campaign in poetry. You govern in prose.
More funny Mario Cuomo quotes
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He is going around the country stirring up apathy. (on Harold Wilson)
More funny William Whitelaw quotes
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I didn't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs. (when asked a political question at a "Just Say No" rally)
More funny Nancy Reagan quotes
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I will make a bargain with the Republicans. If they will stop telling lies about Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.
More funny Adlai Stevenson quotes
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The wind doesn't bother me. I'm in the US Senate.
More funny Bob Dole quotes
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Latins for Republicans. It's like roaches for Raid.
More funny John Leguizamo quotes
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The hardest thing about any political campaign is how to win without proving that you are unworthy of winning.
More funny Adlai Stevenson quotes
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He is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation.
More funny Adlai Stevenson quotes
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He who slings mud generally loses ground.
More funny Adlai Stevenson quotes
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Since you have chosen to elect a man with a timber toe to succeed me, you may all go to hell and I will go to Texas.
More funny Davy Crockett quotes
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I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out. (on his political views)
More funny Lewis Black quotes
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The Vice-Presidency is sort of like the last cookie on the plate. Everybody insists he won't take it, but somebody always does.
More funny Bill Vaughan quotes
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An election is coming. Universal peace is declared and the foxes have a sincere interest in prolonging the lives of the poultry.
More funny T. S. Eliot quotes
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Now I know what a statesman is; he's a dead politician. We need more statesmen.
More funny Bob Edwards quotes
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This is the first convention of the space age - where a candidate can promise the moon and mean it.
More funny David Brinkley quotes
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The greatest thing the Democrats have ever done for me was to defeat me for the governor of Tennessee.
More funny Roy Acuff quotes
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Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.
More funny Charles de Gaulle quotes
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- The purpose of life is to sing
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